You said “I am as constant as a nothern star”

Joni Mitchell – A Case Of You

a case of you

Just before our love got lost you said
“i am as constant as a northern star”
And i said, “constant in the darkness
Where’s that at?
If you want me i’ll be in the bar”

On the back of a cartoon coaster
In the blue tv screen light
I drew a map of canada
Oh canada
And your face sketched on it twice

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh i could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
And i would still be on my feet
Oh i’d still be on my feet

Oh i am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I’m frightened by the devil
And i’m drawn to those ones that ain’t afraid
I remember that time that you told me, you said
“love is touching souls”
Surely you touched mine
“cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
And you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh i could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
Still i’d be on my feet
And still be on my feet

I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said
Color “go to him, stay with him if you can
Oh but be prepared to bleed”
Oh but you are in my blood you’re my holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter, bitter and so sweet
Oh i could drink a case of you darling
Still i’d be on my feet
I’d still be on my feet

Mmmmmmm

Lyrics provided by CompleteMyspace.com

And there go all my defenses

Well, there it was. Another Christmas come and gone. It’s time to take the tree down and I don’t want to. Why can’t I have Christmas for a whole week. Every morning waking up and running downstairs to see what’s under the tree! Even now, in my thirties, I have a hard time sleeping on Christmas eve. My eyes just won’t shut. As soon as the sun appears on Christmas morning my lids fly open and I jump out of bed. As clear as day I remember the morning I ran out of my room and found my furry Strawberry Shortcake blanket under the tree. That was a great year! I had begged and begged my mother for that blanket. It came from one of those boothes in the middle of the mall ( I believe it was in Eastwood Mall back when there was a Mr. Gattis in there) The blanket cost $30 something dollars, which was not a small amount to my parents back in the seventies/early eighties. Everytime we walked by that boothe I would run up and hug the blanket and beg my mother to buy it. So, when on Christmas morning I saw it under the tree, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I still think about that damn blanket. I wonder what happened to it. Recently Candace and I found the exact same furry blanket merchants at Christmas Village. When I spoke to the proprietor he confirmed that he had owned the boothe in Estwood Mall all those years ago. I swear I nearly cried. But, alas, a thirty dollar blanket from the eighties now cost over $100.

This year I watched as my sons eyes lit up with wonder and glee as he opened all the presents he thought he wasn’t going to get. It gets harder and harder to make that face happen as your little baby turns slowly (or way too quickly) into a teen. Not nearly as much amazes them. Well, they don’t let it show nearly as often. So when my tweener opened his new X-bos 360 (which we completely convinced him was unreasonable and there was no way we could afford it) and the LongShot 3foot Nerf Shotgun (that everyone told him he couldn’t have because he’d shoot his eye out – I know, we’re evil) and his face glowed with that happy wonder and amazment it was the best Christmas present I could have ever recieved. It was a very happy Christmas morning!

I’m looking foward to the new year. I don’t make resolutions on New Years. I don’t need the guilt of breaking them. However this year I do have some goals I’m starting the year with. They are simple. You’d think so, anyway. It’s the usual crap: loose weight, get job, dance, be happy.

And why is it that just when you think you have it all figured out. Just when you think it’s completely out of your system. Just when you think you’re fine without it. It strolls right up to you and smiles. Je devine c’est la vie.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Wow, it’s Christmas already! Yeah!!!!!!

Here’s what I have learned this Christmas season so far:

Tweeners are extremely hard to shop for! This year my sons Christmas list included a $3,000.00 gaming laptop and a set of Dragon Mega Blocks.

Toys for boys come in two shapes: Square and Wrapthisbitch!

Even the hardiest of Christmas lovers can get irritated with Christmas traffic and other shoppers. I try to stay merry during the season. But Ill be damned if I didn’t mutter a few choice words at some of my fellow shoppers.

X-Box 360 games cost a buttload! There’d better be gold in those little square boxes!

My parents and sister live way too far away from me!

My son is easy to tease about Christmas.

I can’t wait till Sunday because I’m spending it with my Son, Grandmother, Aunt, and Cousins.

My best friend Bri makes the best gosh darn cookies! I’m glad she only makes them at Christmas because otherwise I’d be FAT! Okay, fatter.

Oh and one unrelated to Christmas thing:
Sometimes I just can’t be the bigger person.

Remember why you came, and while you’re alive experience

Ah childhood.

Remember fieldtrip day? Not only do you get to be out of school for an entire day, but you get to ride on the bus and eat sack lunches. And usually you are going somewhere cool and fun. Your parents aren’t there to hassle you or wrangle you. Just you, your friends, and the world.

From a kids perspective it’s a great day.

As a parent, it’s a little different.

My baby is riding on a charter bus for an hour each way today. For me this is nerve-racking. It seems like a constant stream of bus related accidents are reported on the news each week. I realize it’s not as many as my mind is conjuring up, but it happens. When I Googled “bus + accident” I was astounded at the 6,120,000 results. Typing in “bus + crash + school” yields you a mere 1,280,000. The first few included: “Fourth teen dies in school bus crash”, “Mechanical issue may have caused bus crash”, “Bus crash kills 22”, and “Ham Lake school bus brash injures 24”. I know I’m crazy and paranoid and overprotective but this terrifies me.

My kid was tremendously excited about today’s field trip. The thrill of riding on the Charter bus topped his list of things he was excited about. He’s actually traveling to the Alabama Shakespeare Festival Theater in Montgomery. And I have to admit, of that, I’m quite jealous. And Tristan was pretty excited about seeing the play. And as he sat there rambling on and on excitedly about the trip my mind was spinning. I was excited for him. But at the same time all these horrible scenarios were going through my parental head. What if the bus crashes, what if he gets separated from his group, what if he wanders off and no one notices, what if he gets abducted and I’m not there to watch him, what if what if what if……

I know what you’re thinking. I know I’m being crazy. And I have these kind of thoughts constantly. I don’t let it control me. I try my hardest not to let it affect Tristan and his fun. I let him go on field trips and to other kids houses (I always panic about guns being accessible in others houses. I saw a commercial once that scared me for life. It showed parents relaxing and commenting on how glad they were that their son was next door playing with his friend, and then if flashes to two young boys and one of them says “hey you wanna see my dads gun” and the other kid says “yeah, cool” and then they are looking at the gun and then you hear a gun shot as the screen goes black. It was affective. I have been scared ever since). I let him ride his bike and go to the park. But it doesn’t mean this shit isn’t knocking around in my brain.

So here I sit. Trying not to think about it. Trying, unsuccessfully, not to think about it.

In other news: My car is fixed!! Yeah!! Whoo hoo!!! ~I’m jumping up and down, you can’t see me but I am~ All thanks to Guy. Guy is amazing, a lifesaver, a fanfuckingtastic friend. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again and again: I have no idea what I’ve done to deserve such amazing friends but I thank God, Guan Yin, Buddha, Shiva, Vishnu, Rama, Krishna, Allah, Amaterasu Omikami, Lao-Tse, Goddess, Bahá’u'lláh, Haile Selassie, and whoever else I can thnk of every single day for them!!

Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids, in fact it’s cold as hell

My kid makes me laugh more than any other human being on earth. And most of the time it’s not even on purpose. Kids say what crosses their minds when it crosses their minds. No filters. No sense of social obligation. My child is at the unique juncture of being not quite a teenager but easing past child. He is curious and interested and changing while at the same time still wanting to play and chase and watch cartoons. Now I do realize that he is a male and males never really stop wanting to play and chase and watch cartoons. But you get my drift.

For example yesterday we were watching tv and a commercial for a jewelry store came on. The name of the store is “Kay’s” and the tagline is “Every kiss begins with Kay”. Clever, I know. Anyhoo, my son is sitting next to me watching. Contemplating. “That’s not true”, he says. So I look at him, curious to what is going through is tweener mind. “Not every kiss begins with k”, he says seriously. “oh, really”, I reply. “Not french kiss. French kiss begins with F” I sat there in amusement. Trying to wrap my mind around my baby saying and knowing the term “french kiss” I guess he got it from tv or movies or.. well let’s face it , he probably got it from me. Anyway, it was a very preteen thing to say. The sort of silly, lame, quasi dirty humor that another fifth grader would have thought was hilarious. And it made me laugh. Right out loud. And then to prove that he is still little and not quite a preteen he followed it with , “neither does butterfly kiss or Eskimo kisses” I can’t explain exactly why this warmed my heart so or why was compelled to grab him and hugged him (causing him to give me one of those “you’re crazy, mom” looks. I get those a lot.)

But the best example happened several weeks ago at the mall. I’m a shopaholic. I’ve had to come to terms with that after the first chapter of Sophia Kinsella’s “Confessions of a Shopaholic” And as a result of my obsession with stores and malls and shopping my son has developed a strong dislike of girlie stores. So, we’re walking down the corridor and he looks at me and this is what comes from his mind, “You’ve been a really good mom today. Thank you.” Immediately, and somewhat sadly, I was suspicious. “Well, thanks son.” He continues “I mean you’ve been really calm and you bought me that cookie and well that was great. So thanks.” I’m even more suspicious at this point. “And you you know what I’m gonna do for you, as a reward for being such a great mom today? I’m going to let you into Victoria Secret’s and I’m going to be really good and calm. For you. As a reward.” Oh, I get it. The little perve! So I say, “Thanks, but I don’t need anything from Victoria Secret right now.” “No, really mom. I’ll be good. Go, buy yourself something nice and pink. You deserve it” He was looking at me very seriously now. So I called him on it. “You just want to go in there and look at girls in underwear! What do you think happens in there? Pillow fights?” “No! That’s not it” But he was trying hard to contain his smile now. And as we walk on by the VS I catch him craning his neck to look in.

Man I dig that little pervert.

Here’s an interesting fact about my life. I used to date this boy named Logan. (Logan is his SCA name. His real name is Andrew. Which is another interesting coincident). When Logan and I broke up I dated/married Steven. After my divorce I dated Andrew (that’s Andrew number three of my Andrew ex-boyfriends…). Then after Andrew I dated Seth. Now the interesting part: Logan and Steven live together now. AND Andrew and Seth live together now. It’s my life. A demented sitcom.

So, I went to the local SCA meeting here in Birmingham. For fifteen years straight I held various offices here in Iron Mountain. But I haven’t been to a meeting in maybe four or five years. But Logan was going, so I figured, “Why not?” It was really fun. I tried to convince Logan to let me pretend like I was a newbie. But he, rightly, said he didn’t think I could. And as we walked in most people knew me and called out my name. That felt good. Like returning to Cheers after being gone a while. I had thought I was all but forgotten over here in Meridies. It was class night and the class was on packing and preparing for Gulf Wars. A subject I know a little bit about. I had a pretty darn good time. Until a lady commented to me, “There are lots of folks here now for you to boss around” She said it with a good tone and she was smiling. Knowing this particular lady, I know she did not mean it as an insult or anything. But it struck me as funny. And just a little painful. I know I can be bossy. But it’s a little stingy being pointed out like that.….jeez.

My kid as Elvis:

sleighbells ring, are you listenin’

I love Christmas. It’s my favorite, absolute favorite, time of the year. I love everything about it. Starting with it happens in winter. And I love winter. The air is crisp, the days are breezy, and mosquitoes are dead. Living in the south I don’t see much snow, but I love it when it actually happens down here. I am, without a doubt, a southerner and I could never make it in the northern states where it gets ass biting cold and snowy and stays that way for months at a time. But I dearly love snow for a day or two or even a week. Every year I anxiously await a flake or two.

I have to take a pause in my Christmas blog to reminisce about snow. One of the very best days of my life involves a surprise snow storm. Well, not really “storm” but definitely lots of snow. TLOML and I had known each other for quite some time before we found ourselves interested in one another in a romantic way. Years, in fact. And our romantic relationship started by e-mail. Hundreds of e-mails. Followed by phone calls. Hundreds of dollars worth of phone calls. All that before we physically saw each other again after finding ourselves hopelessly addicted to one another. Then finally it came, the day we were to see each other again. I was crazy nervous. But it was wonderful. I dare say, magical (try not to puke, even I get sappy from time to time). And that night it snowed. We made snow angels. We kissed as snow as snow fell on our noses. Snow is magical. AND I LOVE IT!

Damn it, I hate and love remembering. The relationship ended and it was for the best. I guess. But I will always remember the snow kisses.

Now, I was tellin’ you about Christmas. There is nothing I don’t like about Christmas. It’s the one time of the year I embrace everything. I love the mangers in peoples’ yards. I love the church plays. I love the twinkle lights. I love the tacky yard displays. The bigger and brighter the better! I love presents and cookies and Christmas trees. Songs and mistletoe and eggnog. Family and friends and strangers. Nutcrackers and candles and fruitcake. Christmas cards and stockings and Bing and Bowie. Fucking everything! Even those Salvation Army bell ringers. When I drive to the mall, get out of the car, and hear that bell ringing I smile. Every damn time. This year it has taken me a minute or two to get into the holiday spirit. I watched Santa ride down the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade from a hospital bed. It dampens the mood ever so much.

Then I watched a clip of Elvis singing Blue Christmas. I cried. And now every thing is back to normal. I am ready for some god damn merriment! Fa la la la la la la fucking la!!!!!

Like a rolling stone

I’m starting it off with a quiz thingy!

1.If you were to find out you were pregnant tomorrow, how would you feel?

Well I’d be a little shocked. But, put that aside, and I think I’d be happy. I guess. After the initial panic and shock and curiosity.

2 Do you trust your friends?

All but one.

3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the person you love?

Having chosen the wrong answer to this question in the past, I’m gonna have to go with yes. If I could of I would of.

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

Everything happens. Of that I’m sure. I think I interpret it more of everything that happens leads you further down the path you are meant to walk.

5. Name two things you would NOT tolerate in a relationship?

Disrespect to my kid
Abuse

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best roommate for you?

Anyone of them except Candace. Candace and I could only live together if we had a enormous house and had separate wings separated by a garden or something else large and neutral.

7. Can you deal with people who are too concerned with status?

Sure. But they always end up amusing me.

8. Are you afraid of falling in love? Why or why not?

Not afraid. I like the falling in love part. It’s the falling alone part that sucks.

9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?

There is someone who pops into my mind all the time. And there is someone who pops in my mind at the oddest of times. And they’re not the same someone.

10. Would you stop talking to your friends because you hooked up with a new guy/girl?

I think I have a time or two. So dumb! It’s never on purpose!! Next time I hope someone puts the smack down on me! I’d love to believe that I am finally older, wiser, and better than that, but we’ll see what happens when it happens.

11. Name one person from your friends list that you could call to come to your rescue if you got a flat tire…..
Well, Rich, Steven, Diana, and Guy have all come to my tire rescue in the past. I’m pretty confident that I could call most of my friends and they’d come help me out.

12. From your friends list, who can you call in the middle of the night if you need to talk?

I could call most anyone, it’s who would answer that’s the real question.

13. What quality do you find most attractive in the opposite sex?

Good humor, self-confidence, and nice eyes

14. Fill in the blank. I would have kids with…

Dominic Monaghan.
That boy whom I won’t name.
Johnny Depp.

15. What is your number one priority in life?

Tristan.

16. What can you tell about a person by kissing them?

I’m not sure what you learn from it, but I sure love doing it!!!

17. When you get married, for the first time or again, what would you envision your dream wedding to be?

I love love love weddings!! I have a special one planned for each dream groom. Mostly they’re outdoors and I always look fanfuckingtastic. I wish I could have a wedding every year! It’s the morning after, when you’re actually married that I have a problem with!

18. If you could say just one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?

love

19. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended period of time, name some people you would want to see by your side when you open your eyes?

Tristan.

20. How many kids do you want to have?

Keeping up with the one I have is enough for me right now.

21. What would make you a good parent?

I am a good parent!! And what makes me that way is my damn amazing kid!

Okay, give me a minute…

In the midst of my busy day, avoiding the pressing things that are luming over me, I suddenely had a whim to create a new blog. What am I thinking?! My car is broken, I need to call someone. My medicene directions are unclear and I need to call someone. My son will get out of school all to soon and I need to shop for him before I go pick him up and my car isn’t running and I NEED TO CALL SOMEONE. Fuck. And what am I doing? Trying to figure out a new blog formatt. It’ll probably be more like tomorrow before I can really get into this.

I was going to suggest you go check out my myspace page until I get this figured out, but of course, I can’t get on my myspace page right now and I don’t actually know what the link to it is. Damn I’m having a ditzy day. I think it’s www.myspace.com/lyzianor