Protected: All the things that I wish I could say.. to you. But I’m a coward.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

You’re living in your own private Idaho

Okay I started off the year a bit thoughtful. Melancholy, even. But not in the way you might think. I wasn’t so much reflective on the last year or conjuring up dreams for the upcoming year. I found myself focusing on how retarded I’ve been in a couple of my relationships. And how much time I’ve wasted. In both relationships that could have been good and relationships that were not worthy of me. A friend of mine recently asked me “When does he come? When does the one I’m supposed to be with come? When do I get to stop going through this?” I had no answer for her. I mean, jeez, what a fucking question! I don’t know if I’ve ever actually thought about it in those terms, exactly. Of course I am possibly jaded. And I believe that I have already found the one and fucked it up. How do you know which one is “the one”? And, damn, is there just ONE “the one” for each person? That just sucks. And if you find someone in which you never struggle with would it be worth spending the rest of your life in that peaceful calm? How do you grow without struggle? Not me. I need some downs so that I can have those fabulous ups and appreciate them when they happen. Plus, I’d be bored if I got what I wanted all the time.

But as I’ve previously stated, I’ve wasted some time. Wasted some time playing those silly mind games that you play simply because you are afraid to be rejected or hurt. Why can’t I just tell him that I’d do anything for him. That I would be willing to spend the remainder of my days with him? Seems simple enough. And why waste time remembering that relationship when I know nothing has changed. The same issues remain. Can’t be together. It’s just that sometimes my silly heart just doesn’t listen to reason and reality.

And then there’s the crush I have. Why can’t I just say, “Hey, I like you. Wanna have a go of it?” I’m a grown woman and somehow still I am terrified of being told no. Or worse, being laughed at. Or even worse, being that girl. Any more on this subject might give away the identity of my crush and I’m not ready for that…just yet.

And why, oh why, did I waste even a minute of my time of that pitiful drug addict? Do you ever have moments in your life that you look back on and just cringe? That whole year of my life was completely wasted. When I think of all the things I could have done with that year and all the minutes I’ll never get back because of that wasted peice of shit I am disgusted.

Then there was all that time I wasted, correction, we wasted in a relationship that we knew would never go anywhere.I knew, he knew, but we were comfortable. I guess. I fear I’ll never quite figure that out. When I’m asked about it, I have no answers. Simply put, I just don’t know.

So, I spent my New Years Eve with the one boy who is never, not one moment, wasted time. My son, Tristan. For me, he will always be the one. He saves my life every single day. Every moment I spend with him I learn something. He could barely keep his eyes open for the midnight celebration. As I lay next to him I studied every eyelash, every crease, every inch of his face and I felt complete. I studied the scar on the corner of his eye where he fell at daycare, opened up the side of his eye socket, and I had to rush him to the hospital. His brown hair still has the softness and curl of that baby boy that used to fall asleep in my arms breathing gently on my chest. There is no one I would rather ring in the New Year with. I had to wake him up when midnight finally came. He opened his eyes (barely) sleepily kissed me and said “Happy New Year, momma, I love you” as he rolled over and fell back into that deep sleep of childhood. It was a good, no GREAT, New Years Eve. It’s gonna be a good year.

Now if I could only muster up the nerve to ask……

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There’s a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

You said “I am as constant as a nothern star”

Joni Mitchell – A Case Of You

a case of you

Just before our love got lost you said
“i am as constant as a northern star”
And i said, “constant in the darkness
Where’s that at?
If you want me i’ll be in the bar”

On the back of a cartoon coaster
In the blue tv screen light
I drew a map of canada
Oh canada
And your face sketched on it twice

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh i could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
And i would still be on my feet
Oh i’d still be on my feet

Oh i am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I’m frightened by the devil
And i’m drawn to those ones that ain’t afraid
I remember that time that you told me, you said
“love is touching souls”
Surely you touched mine
“cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
And you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh i could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
Still i’d be on my feet
And still be on my feet

I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said
Color “go to him, stay with him if you can
Oh but be prepared to bleed”
Oh but you are in my blood you’re my holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter, bitter and so sweet
Oh i could drink a case of you darling
Still i’d be on my feet
I’d still be on my feet

Mmmmmmm

Lyrics provided by CompleteMyspace.com

Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids, in fact it’s cold as hell

My kid makes me laugh more than any other human being on earth. And most of the time it’s not even on purpose. Kids say what crosses their minds when it crosses their minds. No filters. No sense of social obligation. My child is at the unique juncture of being not quite a teenager but easing past child. He is curious and interested and changing while at the same time still wanting to play and chase and watch cartoons. Now I do realize that he is a male and males never really stop wanting to play and chase and watch cartoons. But you get my drift.

For example yesterday we were watching tv and a commercial for a jewelry store came on. The name of the store is “Kay’s” and the tagline is “Every kiss begins with Kay”. Clever, I know. Anyhoo, my son is sitting next to me watching. Contemplating. “That’s not true”, he says. So I look at him, curious to what is going through is tweener mind. “Not every kiss begins with k”, he says seriously. “oh, really”, I reply. “Not french kiss. French kiss begins with F” I sat there in amusement. Trying to wrap my mind around my baby saying and knowing the term “french kiss” I guess he got it from tv or movies or.. well let’s face it , he probably got it from me. Anyway, it was a very preteen thing to say. The sort of silly, lame, quasi dirty humor that another fifth grader would have thought was hilarious. And it made me laugh. Right out loud. And then to prove that he is still little and not quite a preteen he followed it with , “neither does butterfly kiss or Eskimo kisses” I can’t explain exactly why this warmed my heart so or why was compelled to grab him and hugged him (causing him to give me one of those “you’re crazy, mom” looks. I get those a lot.)

But the best example happened several weeks ago at the mall. I’m a shopaholic. I’ve had to come to terms with that after the first chapter of Sophia Kinsella’s “Confessions of a Shopaholic” And as a result of my obsession with stores and malls and shopping my son has developed a strong dislike of girlie stores. So, we’re walking down the corridor and he looks at me and this is what comes from his mind, “You’ve been a really good mom today. Thank you.” Immediately, and somewhat sadly, I was suspicious. “Well, thanks son.” He continues “I mean you’ve been really calm and you bought me that cookie and well that was great. So thanks.” I’m even more suspicious at this point. “And you you know what I’m gonna do for you, as a reward for being such a great mom today? I’m going to let you into Victoria Secret’s and I’m going to be really good and calm. For you. As a reward.” Oh, I get it. The little perve! So I say, “Thanks, but I don’t need anything from Victoria Secret right now.” “No, really mom. I’ll be good. Go, buy yourself something nice and pink. You deserve it” He was looking at me very seriously now. So I called him on it. “You just want to go in there and look at girls in underwear! What do you think happens in there? Pillow fights?” “No! That’s not it” But he was trying hard to contain his smile now. And as we walk on by the VS I catch him craning his neck to look in.

Man I dig that little pervert.

Here’s an interesting fact about my life. I used to date this boy named Logan. (Logan is his SCA name. His real name is Andrew. Which is another interesting coincident). When Logan and I broke up I dated/married Steven. After my divorce I dated Andrew (that’s Andrew number three of my Andrew ex-boyfriends…). Then after Andrew I dated Seth. Now the interesting part: Logan and Steven live together now. AND Andrew and Seth live together now. It’s my life. A demented sitcom.

So, I went to the local SCA meeting here in Birmingham. For fifteen years straight I held various offices here in Iron Mountain. But I haven’t been to a meeting in maybe four or five years. But Logan was going, so I figured, “Why not?” It was really fun. I tried to convince Logan to let me pretend like I was a newbie. But he, rightly, said he didn’t think I could. And as we walked in most people knew me and called out my name. That felt good. Like returning to Cheers after being gone a while. I had thought I was all but forgotten over here in Meridies. It was class night and the class was on packing and preparing for Gulf Wars. A subject I know a little bit about. I had a pretty darn good time. Until a lady commented to me, “There are lots of folks here now for you to boss around” She said it with a good tone and she was smiling. Knowing this particular lady, I know she did not mean it as an insult or anything. But it struck me as funny. And just a little painful. I know I can be bossy. But it’s a little stingy being pointed out like that.….jeez.

My kid as Elvis:

sleighbells ring, are you listenin’

I love Christmas. It’s my favorite, absolute favorite, time of the year. I love everything about it. Starting with it happens in winter. And I love winter. The air is crisp, the days are breezy, and mosquitoes are dead. Living in the south I don’t see much snow, but I love it when it actually happens down here. I am, without a doubt, a southerner and I could never make it in the northern states where it gets ass biting cold and snowy and stays that way for months at a time. But I dearly love snow for a day or two or even a week. Every year I anxiously await a flake or two.

I have to take a pause in my Christmas blog to reminisce about snow. One of the very best days of my life involves a surprise snow storm. Well, not really “storm” but definitely lots of snow. TLOML and I had known each other for quite some time before we found ourselves interested in one another in a romantic way. Years, in fact. And our romantic relationship started by e-mail. Hundreds of e-mails. Followed by phone calls. Hundreds of dollars worth of phone calls. All that before we physically saw each other again after finding ourselves hopelessly addicted to one another. Then finally it came, the day we were to see each other again. I was crazy nervous. But it was wonderful. I dare say, magical (try not to puke, even I get sappy from time to time). And that night it snowed. We made snow angels. We kissed as snow as snow fell on our noses. Snow is magical. AND I LOVE IT!

Damn it, I hate and love remembering. The relationship ended and it was for the best. I guess. But I will always remember the snow kisses.

Now, I was tellin’ you about Christmas. There is nothing I don’t like about Christmas. It’s the one time of the year I embrace everything. I love the mangers in peoples’ yards. I love the church plays. I love the twinkle lights. I love the tacky yard displays. The bigger and brighter the better! I love presents and cookies and Christmas trees. Songs and mistletoe and eggnog. Family and friends and strangers. Nutcrackers and candles and fruitcake. Christmas cards and stockings and Bing and Bowie. Fucking everything! Even those Salvation Army bell ringers. When I drive to the mall, get out of the car, and hear that bell ringing I smile. Every damn time. This year it has taken me a minute or two to get into the holiday spirit. I watched Santa ride down the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade from a hospital bed. It dampens the mood ever so much.

Then I watched a clip of Elvis singing Blue Christmas. I cried. And now every thing is back to normal. I am ready for some god damn merriment! Fa la la la la la la fucking la!!!!!