‘Cause the dreams that I’ve been dreaming have finally come true

Okay. It’s been a while. I know. A long long long while. But I’m back and I have soo much to say. Things have changed. THINGS HAVE CHANGED!

So, staring tomorrow, I’m going to try try try to start writing blogs again. There’s a lot to update! My son was 11 when I started this blog and now he’s 14.

so, tomorrow….it’s on

I wish for just one time you could stand inside my shoes, then you’d know what a drag it is to see you.

I am full of emotion tonight. I should not be allowed to blog in this state. But here I am sitting at my computer trying to find meaning. Trying to work it out in type. So silly. I should be in bed crying it out. Tomorrow will be better. It always is.

And how does my Ipod know exactly what mood I am in. How does it always know exactly what to play on shuffle. It’s damn near scary.

“I wish I could surrender my soul……….Find comfort in pain” ~ Jame Blunt

Yep. I posted a password Protected blog. I needed to say it. But I am too cowardly to say it out loud. It’s sort of a dangerous prospect, I guess. I think that he could figure the password out if he tried. And part of me wishes he would. Then it would be done. But even at thirty four, I am not ready. Sometimes I want so badly for it to be done. And said. And out there. But only if it has a happy ending. Only if it ends with a sunset and his arms around me. Which I can’t rationally believe it would. So, I hide. So don’t ask. I won’t tell you the password. I am sorry. I am not that brave.

I’ve said too much. I’m going to go curl up in the bed with my cats and cry myself to sleep, like all good crazy girls should.

Protected: All the things that I wish I could say.. to you. But I’m a coward.

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I just don’t understand

I know I’ve been absent and silent. I’ve been busy. First it was busy for fun and good times. Then I was busy being in physical pain. And now I am busy being in emotional pain. I will get back to my self. I will update on all the events that have unfolded around me.

But for now. For now all I am thinking about is the pain I feel and the total uselessness I feel. And my complete inability to help relieve tha pain of those around me.

One of my very dear close friends committed suicide a few nights ago. Her name was Aurora. And she was beautiful and smart and funny. And a fabulous mother. Until now. And I can’t understand why. For starters I have never really been able to comprehend suicide. I have always felt that it a cowardly way to try to solve problems. And beyond selfish. I cannot understand the thought process that leads you to that being the answer. But I have friends that have been there and fought through the urge. And though I don’t understand it, I try to listen. And I would have listend to Aurora, too. Had I any clue that this was anywhere in her mind. Last I saw her, which was just a week or so ago, she seemed very happy.

But, what do I know? Not much, I guess.

Anyway, I loved her. And I miss her already.

Tristan, Aurora, and Bella. 2/07

Nothing ever goes as planned, it’s a hell of a notion.

I sat down to write a blog.

I stared at the computer.

And then I stared some more.

Nothing.

Wow, there’s shit to say. I swear. Tons. Two book reports. Mother in town. Good friend stories. Love angst. Needs not fullfilled.

Still, nothing.

Man I suck.

I’ll try again later. After Heroes. After Studio 60. Maybe I’ll be inspired.

My dream special effects failed me last night

Half way through my dream last night the landscape changed. The colors became a technicolor nightmare. It was very weird. Very weird. It was like watching a huge budget film and that was spliced halfway through with a 70’s B-Movie flick! Suddenly the explosions looked fake and the acting was bad. And it went downhill from there. What is going on in this little brain of mine? Is this some hideous side effect of these awful meds I am being forced to imbibe? The dream had a happy ending: I was reunited with my love, blah blah blah. But, god damn it, I want the fog machines to work and the sunset I am prancing off into to look real and not like a background painting……

Maybe it had something to do with going to see “Epic Movie” yesterday with my kid. It rotted my brain. Funny, but brain-rotting……

What the hell is my problem?

I’ve been letting some things get to me way too much. And in my absence from certain things and people I have let molehills become great big mountain ranges and slight creeks become great big rivers too hard to cross. I’ve been stupid. More so than before.

First. My weight. I have been unable to leave the house and have fun lately because I am appalled and ashamed of how out of control I’ve let my weight become. Well, not anymore, fat cells. I’m tired of living in the prison my fat built around my brain. I am hot and sexy and I will lose this extra weight. And until then, I will not let it control me anymore. I’m putting my damn foot down. It’s not as though I am a large girl either. I am still relatively average for my height. But I am larger than I’ve ever been before. And I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. And if I can’t stand to look at me, how am I ever going to get laid again? I’ve been on my “doctor” diet for two full weeks now and I have lost 9 1/2 pounds. That’s good stuff. Especailly since I spent the last three days in the hospital being forced to eat hospital food and being pumped full of meds that make me “retain water” and bloat. Last time I was faced with this set back I really let it get to me. I gave up on trying. The meds make me hungry and feel sick if I don’t eat. But not this time. I will not let this be an excuse. I have a goal. I would like to have lost at least twenty pounds by march (you SCAers know why..) I can do it.

Second. There are people who I have become distant from and I’m putting an end to it! For no other reason that my own insecurities and stupidity I have almost let some very important people slip out of my life.

Amber. One of my oldest and dearest friends. Amber and I grew up in the SCA together. Hell, we grew up together out of the SCA, as well. There was a time I could not even imagine not seeing her or talking to her on a daily basis and now it has been way too long. We have had some very rocky points in our friendship (mostly over stupid boys ~rolling eyes here~) And we have had some of the best times ever as friends. And I miss her. We haven’t had a fight. We haven’t been seperated my continents. I’ve just been dumb. At the invention of Myspace my live got more convienent. You see, I have many friends in many states and here was a neat little place to keep up with all of them. As much as some boys out there might disagree I am not really a phone person. So, I was able to update my myspace and watch for updates on others pages and feel very in touch with my peeps. However, it becomes a problem when people you really care about aren’t on the Myspace. Amber, for instance. So I neglected my e-mail and my phone. FOR WAY TOO LONG. And almost lost one of the closest, most important people in my life. If you read this, beautiful Amber, I’m sorry.

And I’m even more embarassed about this next one. How could I have let this friendship almost slip away. My dear Brotha from Anotha Motha and Sista from Anotha Motha ~ Dale and Teresa. I love these two people as much as if they were my own family. In fact, I do consider them family. Much more than friends. I have depended on them so much and they have always come through for me. And I, in my most stupid of all moves, have let them down. I was feeling rejected, replaced, out of place, stupid. And in a very retarded moment, I was to afraid to talk to them about it. Am I in fifth grade? No, I’m a grown damn woman, and these peeps have done nothing but love me. I am going to make it better. I will not let my family slip away!

Oh there’s more…

I have some thank yous. I am a hard friend to have. You have to be able to put up with some crazy drama to be my friend. And when I get crazy, watch out. I get really crazy. (Quit saying , “Duh”!!) And if I get this tired of being so crazy and being in hospitals (For my breathing, not my craziness…) I can’t imagine what a drain it is on my friends. I have some damn fabulous friends and as I have said so many times before, I don’t know what I did to deserve them but I get down on my knees every morning and thanks all the Gods I can that my friends never realize how unworthy of them I am.

Bri/Robbin:
Thank you. You are my strength, my rock. I need you more than you can know and I am so grateful that you remain in my life. You make me stronger and constantly push me to be a better person. I could fill a thousand blogs with how much you mean to me and what a great person I think you are. You truly are my best friend.

Diana:
You never fail to make me smile and feel better. You have never once failed to come through for me. When you walked in my hospital room (holding that bag of food from Chez Lu Lu) I knew everything was going to be okay. Thank you for everything. As with Bri, I could fill so many blogs singing your praises and trying to put into words how very much you mean to me.

Hospital thank you: Mom, Stardust, Bambi, Charles, Steven, Josh, Charlotte, Aurora & Bella, Rich, CynCity, Aunt Barbara, Little Gay cousin Neal, Teresa, and him (oh, don’t try to guess, it’s not nearly as juicy as you might think!)

And of course and always ~ the light of my life, my reason for living: Tristan.

Okay, enough now! Enough of this gush! I need to get out so I have some more cheeky stories to tell……..

When all the stars have fallen down into the sea and on the ground, and angry voices carry on the wind, a beam of light will fill your head and you’ll remember what’s been said by all the good men this world’s ever known

I think I have bloggers block. Or I might be premenstural. I don’t know. I’ve been rather reclusive this last week. And for no good reason. I’m not upset, I’m not sad, I’m not mad or insecure. I’m just not inspired. I haven’t been on the interent in days. I’ve done fly by checking of my myspace mail, and everynow and then I’ve checked my gmail, but basically I’ve been voiceless as of late. I haven’t been chatting on my cell, either. Weird, huh. But I get that way. Sometimes I just don’t wanna talk. Sometimes I don’t have anything to say. And I have no patience for trying to be interesting and conversational when I have absolutely no opinions. It sounds like a funk, but I swear I’m not upset. I’ve just been complacent. I still am, mostly.

But not on Saturday. No way. And let me warn you I’m about to get political. I’m stepping up on a soapbox. I’m about to get jiggy wit my opinions…….

Today marks the anniversary of the controversial Roe vs Wade. I am Pro-Choice. You might can tell where this is going. I am a single mother and I am proud to be a parent. I believe in a higher power. I believe in the right to speak and be heard. I believe that peaceful protest can make a difference. I was raised by war protesting liberal hippies. And I have been raised to believe everyone has the right to their opinion.

So, I was somewhat supprised at my reaction to a protest on Saturday. My face burned with outrage. My skin crawled with angry goose bumps. I got so worked up, in fact, that I couldn’t breath.

It all started Saturday morning when my ex-husband and I decided to walk to get his car from five points, where he’d left it the night before rather than drive home intoxicated. I have a cold and was in need of expectorant and the drug store was on the way. It was a nice morning and the walk seemed like a good idea. So we set out, my ex-husband, my dog, and me. We had gone a couple of blocks when we noticed a gaggle of police vehicles, lights flashing, blocking off the road ahead of us. Oooo, I thought, maybe it’s a crime scene. Morbid of me, I know, but that’s what I thought. We cautiously eased by the roadblocks on the sidewalk after being reassured by the police that we could go. (well, actually we tried to get their attention by waving and whatnot, but the coppers were too busy chatting to pay us any attention, so since they didn’t tell us to stop or look alarmed at us passing we took it as permission to keep on walking) A few more blocks, a few more police vehicles later and we start to see a large police van followed by a very large, but oddly silent, crowd carrying signs. I could vaguely make out the word “kills” on one of the signs and suddenly realized that it was an Anti-Choice protest. (for those of you confused by my symantics, let me explain. As a Pro-Choice supporter I am offended ~ and I’m not easily offended~ by the term “Pro-Life” It impies that the other side of the argument is anti-life. As in pro death. Which is ridiculous. So I opt not to use that term) Now, as I have stated I support protest. I support speaking up and stating your opinions. We live in America and you have that right. And thank whatever God you believe in for that. But as we approached the demonstrators I became increasingly heated. It wasn’t the demonstration itself that was getting me worked up. It was small, maybe a hundred or so people, and sadly under attended. As they marched silently down the streets of Five Points ~ the most liberal part of Birmingham, no one paid much atttention. Which made me sad, for them. But I found two or three things very very disturbing about their protest.

First, and most practically, I was angered by the amount of police escort these peeps had. The crime rate in Five Points has grown increasingly by extremely alarming numbers in the last five years. Rape, muggings, and murders have become quite the regular news headline for this part of town. Now for those of you who are not familiar with Birmingham, Five Points is where the bars are located. And the nice restuarants. And is within walking distance of UAB (The University that Ate Birmingham) and just blocks from Sanford, another nice collage. It is the place for co-eds to congregate. Several years ago the police force in southside was weeded down and reassigned to other parts of Birmingham to prevent the outrageous crime rates in those areas. As the years passed the criminals figured it out and have relocated to Five Points. Most of the business owners and employees have been working for some time, passing around several petitions, to get a larger police presence in this area. And nothing has happened. Some nights you couldn’t find a cop in Five Points to save your live, and most of the time if you are looking for one it’s for that very reason. But here, on a peaceful and quiet Saturday morning you couldn’t spit and not hit four or five police officers. Closing off SEVERAL blocks of busy streets for these demonstrators. And, by the way, since when does the Ant-Choice side need protecting. They are the ones that BOMB clinics. They are the ones that scream and yell and grab you if you attempt to enter clinics. They are the ones carrying signs of dead baby parts. Were the police there to portect us from them? I mean seriously. This is a city that survived a hideous Clinic bombing, by Eric Rudolph killing a police officer and permantly injuring a nurse (no actual abortion doctors harmed, just innocents). I’ve never heard of a Pro-Choice supporter bombing or killing anyone to get the point across. BTW, the protest had the audascity to walk by the very same clinic that was bombed all those years ago.

My second issue was the four teenage BOYS carrying a child sized coffin wearing red tape over their mouths. Okay, first off, if you are a teenage boy and you are on the Anti Choice side of the argument (which I already have a problem with boys having an opinion on abortion at all, but my mother keeps reminding me that everyone is entitled to their opinion) then here’s a suggestion on how to stop a huge number of abortions…keep your dick to yourself. We do KNOW what causes pregnancy, you know. The tape should be over your zippers and not you mouths. Not having the sex would stop a good number of abortions.

And secondly, a child’s coffin!!! I am so glad my child was not with me. I would have been horrified at my son being subjected to this sight. He is eleven and exactly as mature as he needs to be at eleven. I bet these same people block violent tv from their televisions so their children aren’t affected by the worlds violence, the same people who think the purple Teletubbie is gay and therefore should be removed from childrens television. But toting around a baby coffin and signs with very vivid pictures of dead babies is just peachy in their book. It really pisses me off. There is this Anti-Choice van that sometimes parks outside my sons school and the local library where a lot of his school mate go after school. This van is COVERED with horribly graphic pictures of dead things. If it were a video game it would be rated M for mature. If it were a movie it would be rated NC-17 or R and I would have to show my ID to get in to see it. But here it is sitting outside the elementary school for fice and six years olds to see. It just pisses me off. There is a time and place. Have some decency! Are first and second graders really your target audience?

Another thing that bothered me was these women carrying signs that read “I regret my abortion” Well, I’m very sorry for you. I am. But that’s your shit to deal with, not mine. Talk to your shrink. That’s what they are there for. I have no place in your guilt. Work it out yourself and move on.

My final rant about the protest is this: They had their children with them. Children, I believe, should be outside playing ball or in treehouses, not walking down the street carrying signs proclaiming that I’m going to hell over a subject they have no grasp of. What an awful burden to lay on a childs shoulders. And let me clarify here, I am appalled at children under a certian age at ANY protest. I was horrified to look into a little girls innocent eyes and see hate. Please don’t preach to me about children being important while you raise your child on hate.

Now, let me clarify some things here. My child is the most important thing in my world. I would not trade him for anything. I never ever regret having him. He is my light. I try to raise him to respect others opinions, religions, and cultures. I try to raise him to have repsect for the planet and the universe. I try to raise him to make good decisions. And I’m doing a damn fine job of it. I explain to him both sides of political controversy. Not just my side, but the other side as well. I was horrified when he asked me about abortion, but I explained to him what it was and why there was some much controversy surrounding it. And I hope that my son feels as though he can talk to me about any situation that arises in his young life in these dangerous times that we live.

Let me also clarify some things about me and my opinion. I was a very troubled teenager. I lived a good deal of my adolesent years as a runaway, in and out of juvenile halls. I am not proud of this past, but not ashamed, either. It has shaped me. And during those times I got myself in to several situations. I have been pregnant four times. I have had an abortion, a miscarrage, and two live births ~ on of which I gave up for adoption when I was just fifteen. I have some expirience in the choices and consequences of pregnancy. And I have some pretty strong views. I do not regret one single decision I made. The miscarrage, of course, not being a decision, I really had no choice. And it was awful, a pain ~ mentally and physically~ I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Though I do not regret my decisions I understand the pain of making them and those that do regret. It hurts. All of it. But they are our decisions to make. Not yours to make for me.

And I thank every God I can think of that I live in a country that allows me to make my own decisions. It could be a lot worse

Day 10, I’m too tired to do anything today. But tomorrow I’ll start my diet, and answer some of my fan mail

Have you ever tried dieting in a houe with three boys?

So, after seeing myself in several pictures ~and being horrified~ I started back on my “doctor diet”. It went like this: I dated a boy who woke me up in the middle of the night (usually around 4am) with the tastiest patty melts in the south. And no matter how much sex you have you can not work off three meals a day plus a late night greezy cheesey sandwich when you’re over thirty. Then I broke up with said boy. Okay I was abandoned by the drugged out I should have never been in a relationship to begin with boy. Needless to say it did not end well. So after a brief “I’ll lose wait and be so fucking sexy and show him” period I fell into the classic eating my way through loniless and depression phaze. Then I couldn’t remember why I didn’t just eat donuts if I wanted donuts. And what the hell, why not order pizza and eat the whole thing? And then right as I was starting to realize I might be turning into a whale or more accurately I realized how badly I needed to get laid, I got sick. Those god damn med. they put me on force me to eat. Eat or get sicker. So now here I am. Thirty pounds heavier than I want to be. Fifteen pounds heavier than I’ve ever been before. Depression does not cover what I’ve been feeling. I’ve been in full out sweats and moomoos mode. My clothes are just too good for me in my current state. And let’s face it most of them don’t me right now anyway.

So I turned to my trusty doctor diet. It has worked fabulously for me in the past. I love the packaged food. Mostly it’s chocolate pudding and chocolate bars. You eat five of their prepackaged foods plus 96 ounces of water a day. Which for me is all good. Last time I lost twenty five pounds and I ate real dinners and whatever I wanted on the weekends. So this time I decided since these were drastic times I would take drastic measures and absolutely not cheat. Except on my birthday, of course.

So I’ve been doing good. Damn good. Five packets of specailly formulated prepackaged food, 96 ounces of water, 40 minutes of walking, 70 crunches, and a 15 minutes of yoga every day this week. No cheating. Not even a bite of real food. Not even a nibble. And then when I could cheat ~ I even had permission from the diet doctor himself for my birthday~ I didn’t go overboard. I had one roll of sushi, one order of beef satee, and two cocktails. I didn’t even have desert. Pat myself on the back, right?!

Well today, day 6 of the serious diet, I don’t feel good. My breathing is sucky and I’m tired. It’s Sunday. The day of rest. And I was feeling a bit under the weather. Around dinner I felt like food. Real food. Last night I dreamt of donuts and Godiva. And TLOML coming to his senses and sweeping me off my feet. But that part of the dream wasn’t fattening. I wanted a hamburger. Or a hot dog. Or a pizza. Or food. I wanted food. So I go downstairs where one of the three boys I currently reside with was watching tv. As I threw myself down on the couch I said, “I want food.” and the boy said, “No you don’t. You don’t want to ruin your diet” Fuck you, I thought. So I sat there. Feeling the guilt. Still wanting the food. Then I remembered that I had a Lean Cuisine pizza in the freezer. So I reasoned that it was really pbarely cheating. I had only had three of my five packets today so I ate it. And it was good.

And then my son came wandering by. He takes one look at me and says, “So you cheated on your diet?” Okay, I don’t need the guilt of eating it and the guilt my son was giving me. Three boys three times the guilt.

What is it with them. They have no issues with self control. Well, in the diet area anyway. These three boys can’t imagine why I would cheat on my diet. And they give me no credit for how good I’ve been doing! Well, fuck them. I’ll show them when I weigh in on Wed. and I’ve lost a buttload a weight. I hope so,anyway!

Let me tell you what happens when you drink 96 ounces of water a day. You pee. You pee a lot! It’s just like being pregnant ~ without the hemroids. Well, I’m off to pee. Again…

You say it’s your birthday

So I posted some stuff about my upcoming birthday on my myspace blog. But I’m not reposting it here, because myspace has that fabulous little “friends only” option whereas this is open to every Tom, Dick, and Stalker on the internet. So, if you are on my myspace friends list pop over there and read it. If you aren’t already on my myspace friends list , and you’re not a stalker, just ask me and I’ll add you to the list