Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids, in fact it’s cold as hell

My kid makes me laugh more than any other human being on earth. And most of the time it’s not even on purpose. Kids say what crosses their minds when it crosses their minds. No filters. No sense of social obligation. My child is at the unique juncture of being not quite a teenager but easing past child. He is curious and interested and changing while at the same time still wanting to play and chase and watch cartoons. Now I do realize that he is a male and males never really stop wanting to play and chase and watch cartoons. But you get my drift.

For example yesterday we were watching tv and a commercial for a jewelry store came on. The name of the store is “Kay’s” and the tagline is “Every kiss begins with Kay”. Clever, I know. Anyhoo, my son is sitting next to me watching. Contemplating. “That’s not true”, he says. So I look at him, curious to what is going through is tweener mind. “Not every kiss begins with k”, he says seriously. “oh, really”, I reply. “Not french kiss. French kiss begins with F” I sat there in amusement. Trying to wrap my mind around my baby saying and knowing the term “french kiss” I guess he got it from tv or movies or.. well let’s face it , he probably got it from me. Anyway, it was a very preteen thing to say. The sort of silly, lame, quasi dirty humor that another fifth grader would have thought was hilarious. And it made me laugh. Right out loud. And then to prove that he is still little and not quite a preteen he followed it with , “neither does butterfly kiss or Eskimo kisses” I can’t explain exactly why this warmed my heart so or why was compelled to grab him and hugged him (causing him to give me one of those “you’re crazy, mom” looks. I get those a lot.)

But the best example happened several weeks ago at the mall. I’m a shopaholic. I’ve had to come to terms with that after the first chapter of Sophia Kinsella’s “Confessions of a Shopaholic” And as a result of my obsession with stores and malls and shopping my son has developed a strong dislike of girlie stores. So, we’re walking down the corridor and he looks at me and this is what comes from his mind, “You’ve been a really good mom today. Thank you.” Immediately, and somewhat sadly, I was suspicious. “Well, thanks son.” He continues “I mean you’ve been really calm and you bought me that cookie and well that was great. So thanks.” I’m even more suspicious at this point. “And you you know what I’m gonna do for you, as a reward for being such a great mom today? I’m going to let you into Victoria Secret’s and I’m going to be really good and calm. For you. As a reward.” Oh, I get it. The little perve! So I say, “Thanks, but I don’t need anything from Victoria Secret right now.” “No, really mom. I’ll be good. Go, buy yourself something nice and pink. You deserve it” He was looking at me very seriously now. So I called him on it. “You just want to go in there and look at girls in underwear! What do you think happens in there? Pillow fights?” “No! That’s not it” But he was trying hard to contain his smile now. And as we walk on by the VS I catch him craning his neck to look in.

Man I dig that little pervert.

Here’s an interesting fact about my life. I used to date this boy named Logan. (Logan is his SCA name. His real name is Andrew. Which is another interesting coincident). When Logan and I broke up I dated/married Steven. After my divorce I dated Andrew (that’s Andrew number three of my Andrew ex-boyfriends…). Then after Andrew I dated Seth. Now the interesting part: Logan and Steven live together now. AND Andrew and Seth live together now. It’s my life. A demented sitcom.

So, I went to the local SCA meeting here in Birmingham. For fifteen years straight I held various offices here in Iron Mountain. But I haven’t been to a meeting in maybe four or five years. But Logan was going, so I figured, “Why not?” It was really fun. I tried to convince Logan to let me pretend like I was a newbie. But he, rightly, said he didn’t think I could. And as we walked in most people knew me and called out my name. That felt good. Like returning to Cheers after being gone a while. I had thought I was all but forgotten over here in Meridies. It was class night and the class was on packing and preparing for Gulf Wars. A subject I know a little bit about. I had a pretty darn good time. Until a lady commented to me, “There are lots of folks here now for you to boss around” She said it with a good tone and she was smiling. Knowing this particular lady, I know she did not mean it as an insult or anything. But it struck me as funny. And just a little painful. I know I can be bossy. But it’s a little stingy being pointed out like that.….jeez.

My kid as Elvis:
Tristan as Elvis


2 responses to “Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids, in fact it’s cold as hell

  1. I remember when that little tween of yours was just so tall and every one, read women, thought he was being soooo sweet hugging them. He is a little perv but I love him and you as well. 😉

  2. I just don’t want to think about it.

    I already look at my son and wonder where my “baby” went. And he is only a year and a half. I don’t EVEN want to think of him looking at women’s underwear with intent.

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