Okay I started off the year a bit thoughtful. Melancholy, even. But not in the way you might think. I wasn’t so much reflective on the last year or conjuring up dreams for the upcoming year. I found myself focusing on how retarded I’ve been in a couple of my relationships. And how much time I’ve wasted. In both relationships that could have been good and relationships that were not worthy of me. A friend of mine recently asked me “When does he come? When does the one I’m supposed to be with come? When do I get to stop going through this?” I had no answer for her. I mean, jeez, what a fucking question! I don’t know if I’ve ever actually thought about it in those terms, exactly. Of course I am possibly jaded. And I believe that I have already found the one and fucked it up. How do you know which one is “the one”? And, damn, is there just ONE “the one” for each person? That just sucks. And if you find someone in which you never struggle with would it be worth spending the rest of your life in that peaceful calm? How do you grow without struggle? Not me. I need some downs so that I can have those fabulous ups and appreciate them when they happen. Plus, I’d be bored if I got what I wanted all the time.
But as I’ve previously stated, I’ve wasted some time. Wasted some time playing those silly mind games that you play simply because you are afraid to be rejected or hurt. Why can’t I just tell him that I’d do anything for him. That I would be willing to spend the remainder of my days with him? Seems simple enough. And why waste time remembering that relationship when I know nothing has changed. The same issues remain. Can’t be together. It’s just that sometimes my silly heart just doesn’t listen to reason and reality.
And then there’s the crush I have. Why can’t I just say, “Hey, I like you. Wanna have a go of it?” I’m a grown woman and somehow still I am terrified of being told no. Or worse, being laughed at. Or even worse, being that girl. Any more on this subject might give away the identity of my crush and I’m not ready for that…just yet.
And why, oh why, did I waste even a minute of my time of that pitiful drug addict? Do you ever have moments in your life that you look back on and just cringe? That whole year of my life was completely wasted. When I think of all the things I could have done with that year and all the minutes I’ll never get back because of that wasted peice of shit I am disgusted.
Then there was all that time I wasted, correction, we wasted in a relationship that we knew would never go anywhere.I knew, he knew, but we were comfortable. I guess. I fear I’ll never quite figure that out. When I’m asked about it, I have no answers. Simply put, I just don’t know.
So, I spent my New Years Eve with the one boy who is never, not one moment, wasted time. My son, Tristan. For me, he will always be the one. He saves my life every single day. Every moment I spend with him I learn something. He could barely keep his eyes open for the midnight celebration. As I lay next to him I studied every eyelash, every crease, every inch of his face and I felt complete. I studied the scar on the corner of his eye where he fell at daycare, opened up the side of his eye socket, and I had to rush him to the hospital. His brown hair still has the softness and curl of that baby boy that used to fall asleep in my arms breathing gently on my chest. There is no one I would rather ring in the New Year with. I had to wake him up when midnight finally came. He opened his eyes (barely) sleepily kissed me and said “Happy New Year, momma, I love you” as he rolled over and fell back into that deep sleep of childhood. It was a good, no GREAT, New Years Eve. It’s gonna be a good year.
Now if I could only muster up the nerve to ask……