What the hell is my problem?

I’ve been letting some things get to me way too much. And in my absence from certain things and people I have let molehills become great big mountain ranges and slight creeks become great big rivers too hard to cross. I’ve been stupid. More so than before.

First. My weight. I have been unable to leave the house and have fun lately because I am appalled and ashamed of how out of control I’ve let my weight become. Well, not anymore, fat cells. I’m tired of living in the prison my fat built around my brain. I am hot and sexy and I will lose this extra weight. And until then, I will not let it control me anymore. I’m putting my damn foot down. It’s not as though I am a large girl either. I am still relatively average for my height. But I am larger than I’ve ever been before. And I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. And if I can’t stand to look at me, how am I ever going to get laid again? I’ve been on my “doctor” diet for two full weeks now and I have lost 9 1/2 pounds. That’s good stuff. Especailly since I spent the last three days in the hospital being forced to eat hospital food and being pumped full of meds that make me “retain water” and bloat. Last time I was faced with this set back I really let it get to me. I gave up on trying. The meds make me hungry and feel sick if I don’t eat. But not this time. I will not let this be an excuse. I have a goal. I would like to have lost at least twenty pounds by march (you SCAers know why..) I can do it.

Second. There are people who I have become distant from and I’m putting an end to it! For no other reason that my own insecurities and stupidity I have almost let some very important people slip out of my life.

Amber. One of my oldest and dearest friends. Amber and I grew up in the SCA together. Hell, we grew up together out of the SCA, as well. There was a time I could not even imagine not seeing her or talking to her on a daily basis and now it has been way too long. We have had some very rocky points in our friendship (mostly over stupid boys ~rolling eyes here~) And we have had some of the best times ever as friends. And I miss her. We haven’t had a fight. We haven’t been seperated my continents. I’ve just been dumb. At the invention of Myspace my live got more convienent. You see, I have many friends in many states and here was a neat little place to keep up with all of them. As much as some boys out there might disagree I am not really a phone person. So, I was able to update my myspace and watch for updates on others pages and feel very in touch with my peeps. However, it becomes a problem when people you really care about aren’t on the Myspace. Amber, for instance. So I neglected my e-mail and my phone. FOR WAY TOO LONG. And almost lost one of the closest, most important people in my life. If you read this, beautiful Amber, I’m sorry.

And I’m even more embarassed about this next one. How could I have let this friendship almost slip away. My dear Brotha from Anotha Motha and Sista from Anotha Motha ~ Dale and Teresa. I love these two people as much as if they were my own family. In fact, I do consider them family. Much more than friends. I have depended on them so much and they have always come through for me. And I, in my most stupid of all moves, have let them down. I was feeling rejected, replaced, out of place, stupid. And in a very retarded moment, I was to afraid to talk to them about it. Am I in fifth grade? No, I’m a grown damn woman, and these peeps have done nothing but love me. I am going to make it better. I will not let my family slip away!

Oh there’s more…

I have some thank yous. I am a hard friend to have. You have to be able to put up with some crazy drama to be my friend. And when I get crazy, watch out. I get really crazy. (Quit saying , “Duh”!!) And if I get this tired of being so crazy and being in hospitals (For my breathing, not my craziness…) I can’t imagine what a drain it is on my friends. I have some damn fabulous friends and as I have said so many times before, I don’t know what I did to deserve them but I get down on my knees every morning and thanks all the Gods I can that my friends never realize how unworthy of them I am.

Thank you. You are my strength, my rock. I need you more than you can know and I am so grateful that you remain in my life. You make me stronger and constantly push me to be a better person. I could fill a thousand blogs with how much you mean to me and what a great person I think you are. You truly are my best friend.

You never fail to make me smile and feel better. You have never once failed to come through for me. When you walked in my hospital room (holding that bag of food from Chez Lu Lu) I knew everything was going to be okay. Thank you for everything. As with Bri, I could fill so many blogs singing your praises and trying to put into words how very much you mean to me.

Hospital thank you: Mom, Stardust, Bambi, Charles, Steven, Josh, Charlotte, Aurora & Bella, Rich, CynCity, Aunt Barbara, Little Gay cousin Neal, Teresa, and him (oh, don’t try to guess, it’s not nearly as juicy as you might think!)

And of course and always ~ the light of my life, my reason for living: Tristan.

Okay, enough now! Enough of this gush! I need to get out so I have some more cheeky stories to tell……..


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